I saw your text. I am sure I did. Well, I saw that you had texted me. Maybe I opened it. I cannot really remember. I know I did not respond.
I want to apologize, but I was once told that an apology is only sincere when it is accompanied by a plan to do better.
I probably will not do better.
I mean, I will sometimes. I will most of the time in fact.
But I cannot promise that I will do better all of the time, which brings me to this post.
I cannot promise to always be better. Because I am not always better.
October is tough every year for some reason. If I had to rank my toughest months to get through, February and October would consistently be near the top.
I understand February. The days are dreary and cold. It is the depths of winter.
But October? October is lovely. The trees are beautiful, the mums are nostalgic, and we celebrate so much in October. Our anniversary, Saint Daddy’s birthday, and Sunshine’s second favorite holiday, Halloween. I have no complaints against October truly.
Except that every October, I spiral.
This October was no exception.
I felt the weight of my days. I literally psyched myself up before leaving my car in the morning. “You can do this,” I said this morning as I turned off the ignition and grabbed my bag on my way into the building. “I believe in you.”
Good. Great. The first step is the hardest one. I can do all of the others.
But at the end of the day, I am spent. I faked it until I survived it. I pretended and smiled and fought the good fight.
And occasionally, I cried.
I cried because it is hard and I am so tired and I feel unappreciated and unnoticed and unsupported and a million other things that, were it not October, I might not have felt at all. I certainly would not have felt them so deeply.
But there is something about October. Something about these cooler, shorter days. Something about the way they blur into each other. Something about the most beautiful fall days that makes me feel disconnected, discouraged, disengaged.
So yeah, I saw your text. And yours. And yours too. I read it or maybe I did not but I will. I saw your email as well and her email and that one over there. I saw it. I saw that you called. I might even have seen your smoke signals, read your card, seen your love.
But I, shamefully, was too deep in my head to respond. I had too much going on to act, to react, to reciprocate.
I get it. It is awful of me. You deserve better. That is something I apologize for. I am constantly trying to do better by you, by all of you. I want to be the best I can be, the one you can rely on, the one you can trust to respond.
But my muck is too deep sometimes and self care occasionally means seeing your text and saying nothing. Self care sometimes means leaving the conversation when it is not quite over. Self care sometimes means hiding a little so I can find myself.
There are limits. If you really did need me, I would have been there. If your text said “I have a problem,” I would not hesitate because I am a loyal and dedicated friend.
But my lack of text back said “I have a problem.” I hope you understand.
October is ending. I will read your texts, all of them. Has too much time gone by that I can no longer respond? Probably.
But know, please know, that, even when I say nothing, your texts might be the lifeline I need to help me remember that my muck is not something I need to wade alone.
So thanks for your texts.
Thanks for you.