Sunshine brought her class to the dinner table on Friday. Well, not to the dinner table. She walked them by the dinner table to the living room so they could eat in the cafeteria with the other students while Miss Sunshine ate with Mrs. Momma and Principal Saint Daddy.
At one point, one of the children in her class said the word “poop,” and Miss Sunshine had her write a note home to her mommy about how sorry she was about her behavior. Another student had to do the same for farting in the music teacher’s face.
I would apologize for the crude actions of Miss Sunshine’s students, but she already had them do that.
Sunshine starting playing school again on Wednesday.
I say “again” because she used to play school. I have pictures of Sunshine trying to teach Grumpy and Sleepy last September. By October of 2018, she had stopped.
I should have known then, but I guess I did not really notice. Not until I saw Sunshine playing school again. Then I remembered that Sunshine loved school until her belly started to hurt. Sunshine pretended to be at school regularly until she started begging to stay home. Briefly, she wanted to teach elementary school until she asked why she had to go at all.
There was a shift in Sunshine that I did not notice until it shifted back.
Many have asked me about Sunshine’s transition to her new school. I have responded as briefly as possible, but I have wanted to gush.
Sunshine loves her new bus rides. They are pretty long, but the girls she sits near are nice and the atmosphere is less chaotic and she is allowed to play with small toys, read a book, and drink some water.
Sunshine loves her new classroom. It is decorated like a tree house, and she sits nearest to a sweet girl who makes her laugh. They won a door decorating contest last week, and Sunshine contributed “kindness” to it.
Sunshine loves her new playground. There is a climbing area and a place to play hopscotch. On Wednesday, she played dinosaurs with one of her classmates and they giggled the whole time.
Sunshine loves the games they play in math class. She loves the fact that one of her classmates has the same headphones that she has. She loves that she did not take a test all week. She loves that her teacher is nice.
Sunshine is happy.
She had a moment on Wednesday morning when the new had worn off and she asked to stay home. She did not know anyone’s name. She felt anxiety creeping in and she did not understand why she had to go to school whole Grumpy and Sleepy were able to stay at home.
That afternoon, Sunshine ran off the bus with a smile on her face and she told me all about the girl who made her laugh and the girl who played dinosaurs with her and she forgot that she did not like school.
She played school that evening.
She had the time and the energy and the desire to play school.
On Friday, a colleague told me that I am right that there are times that we cannot know. We cannot know if we are doing what is right for our children. We make a plan and we cannot go back and sometimes we think about the other path, the one we did not take.
I wondered for a while about this path, the one I moved Sunshine to. I wondered for all of last year if Sunshine belonged at the school we chose for her this year instead of where she was. I contemplated the decision we had made to not send her there for kindergarten. I wondered.
Looking back, it reminded me of another decision I made. In 2011, I interviewed for and was offered a position in another state. It was a wonderful opportunity that would have moved my career ahead much more quickly. It would have been a great move for me. When the offer came in, I rejected it. I felt that my story at the time was not yet finished. I spent the next three years wondering if I had made the right decision. I worried that Saint Daddy was angry with me about it because I made a decision that he did not understand, could not understand.
In 2014, I interviewed for and was offered my current position, and I never thought about that other position, that missed opportunity, again. If I had taken that position in another state, I would not be here, and here is where I belong, with a company I believe in and colleagues that I both respect and admire.
I know, with Sunshine playing school again, that I will not wonder about what could be, the path we did not take.
Much like my professional path is correct now, so is Sunshine’s schooling path.
I know the reason I spent three years thinking about a position I did not really want is because my anxiety convinces me that I can mess up everything. It tells me that even the smallest choices can ruin everything. It says that some decisions cannot be reversed and that my whole life will be in shambles forever because I did something wrong.
But sometimes, my anxiety shuts up. Sometimes, even my anxiety is not sure how to rile me up. Sometimes, my anxiety is not even sure what I have to be afraid of.
Sunshine playing school made my anxiety shut up. No easy feat.
So how is Sunshine doing at her new school? Perfectly.